Science Project

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes. I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."-Bill Gates convincing people to give money to Africa for Malaria

They'll be Dancing in the Street

"It wasn't until after the performance that the four musicians became aware that the mysterious man who knew all the words to Super Trouper was one of the most powerful men in the world: Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

It's believed the Kremlin picked up the tab."

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Tender Cut

"I'm gonna cut 'em out and get 'em back."

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Abuse is having a mom that looks like that

"Forensic psychologist N.G. Berrill said naming a boy Hitler could be considered child abuse."

The Internet, a dangerous place for your child

“It worries me - like anybody with children,” he says. “Leaving your child for two hours completely unregulated on the internet is not something you can do."

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What if it was a magical adventure of a tube sock with a moustache?

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Teen Daydreams

One day, Jason says, he was stopped in the hall by Joe Maimone, the school's police officer, who asked him outright if the gossip was true. Jason spilled his guts, telling Maimone about sex with Ms. Tapp, the love triangle with Scibilia, the way the whole thing was messing with his mind. According to Jason, the policeman hung on every word — then jubilantly high-fived him, promising not to tell anyone.

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Graphic Novels

The Bad Sex Awards

It was uncomfortably hot in Mary's flat, but Skinner took a seat opposite the fat old woman. - Can you help me? He said earnestly.

- What's your problem?

He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.

- Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!

Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...

- Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.

As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.

Fuckin cheeky auld clart ...

- Next time ah'll bring a strap on, he said bitterly.

Ignoring him, Mary lay back on the bed and pulled away at the sagging corrugations of her body until she was able to locate her sex. - Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded. ...

Work it in, Mary urged, as Skinner took his thick green slime and spread it like a chef might glaze some pastry, at the same time slowly breaching and exploring. A ludicrously distended clitoris popped out from nowhere like a jack-in-the-box, the size of a small boy's penis, and disconcertingly strangulated groans coming from the bed told Skinner that he was hitting the spot. After a while she gasped, - Pit it in now ... pit it in ...

Bad Sex Awards

True Love

"The other day, at a family dinner, everybody got up and left the table. I was stressed about studying for a big test to get licensed in this state, stressed about her being out of town for a week and leaving me with the kid, stressed. And she said, “What’s bothering you?

I told her, “I just need to clear my head.”

And she knew what I meant. She knew what I needed. And she looked around, and made sure no one was around, and then punched me in the face."

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Misrepresentation

"Boy, 9, Recovers After Decapitation Separates Skull From Neck"

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That's Gay

“In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country, In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon, I do not know who has told you that we have it."-Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

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Snow Problem

“This property owner has repeatedly ignored city attempts to find ways to accommodate his desire to build a giant snowman without affecting the quiet, residential quality of the neighborhood,” the statement from Mayor Mark Begich’s office said. “This is a neighborhood of small homes on small lots connected by small streets. It can’t support the volume of traffic and revelers that are interested in Snowzilla.”

Snowzilla

Three Muscles a Day

"My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it."- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Politics

• I'll tell you what courage is. Standing in between Ted Kennedy and a tray of Little Debbie snack cakes.

• People know me as one of the authors of the McCain Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Act. Few know me as one of the authors of the McCain Feingold Singles Guide to Portland.

• I spent five and a half years in prison. The worst part was coming home and finding out Green Acres had been cancelled. What the hell was I fighting for?

• In 1958 I graduated from the United Sates Naval Academy in Annapolis. Then it was on to stewardess school.

• My hair didn't turn white as I got older. I dyed it white to look like my idol, Andy Warhol.

• One time back in High school I spilled some mustard on my shirt, and this group of tough guys called me 'McStain.' After they got out of the hospital they called me, 'McPain.'

• Nowadays in the Armed Forces, it's 'Don't ask, don't tell.' Back when I was in the Navy, it was 'I'm scared, let's spoon.'

A transcript from a show

Working off the Fat

"California law forbids the use of human medical waste to power vehicles."

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